I changed Drew's diaper before I left the hospital today, because he had obviously had a blowout, and I didn't feel like letting him sit in it until the nurse came in. So I un-swaddled him, undid his diaper...
...and Drew has a belly button! No more ugly stump, but a real belly button. Part of me thought "Well, thank God that ugly thing is gone" and the other part - the secret, sad, emotional part that won over - cried a little. I should have been there when it fell off. I should have been the one to find it, and throw it away (I really don't undertsand people who save them - barf!).
I just feel so unprepared. I have been a Mommy for 19 days, and I don't really think I feel how a Mommy should feel yet. I love Drew to death, and I want him safe, happy, healthy, home, and loved... but I don't feel like I know what I am doing. I don't know how to comfort him, or care for a circumcision while its healing, or how to bathe him... its a miracle I can change his diaper! And feedings? I don't have nearly enough confidence in myself when it comes to his bottles. Yes, the are weird and special, and work a bit differently than normal bottles... but I shouldn't feel NERVOUS about using them.
How can I ever have another kid? I STILL wouldn't know the first thing about newborn care.
I know that no first-time mother has really any idea what she is doing in the beginning. Or even repeat-moms, since all babies are different. But only the logical side of me knows that. And I've always been much better at listening to the emotional side of me.
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